The Difference Between Shame & Guilt

In our society we tend to use these words interchangeably, and perhaps it doesn't matter the words we decide to use. But, it is hugely important to understand the difference between the two types of experiences we may feel after committing an offense (hurting ourself or another/others). Here are the definitions of shame and guilt from the dictionary.com

Guilt:

1. the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, esp. against moral or penal law; culpability: He admitted his guilt.
2. a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.
3. conduct involving the commission of such crimes, wrongs, etc

Shame:

1. the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another: She was overcome with shame.
2. disgrace; ignominy:
3. a fact or circumstance bringing disgrace or regret: –verb (used with object)
4. to cause to feel shame; make ashamed: His cowardice shamed him.
5. to drive, force, etc., through shame: He shamed her into going.
6. to cover with ignominy or reproach; disgrace.
—Idioms
7. for shame! you should feel ashamed!: What a thing to say to your mother! For shame!

My interpretation & summary of these two words:
Guilt is the recognition of harm our destructive actions, thoughts, etc. created. It is taking responsibility for which part is ours (this alone can take some work to figure out). Guilt can motivate us to make recompense for our wrongs (to whatever level is possible). Shame on the other hand is tying our identity into those actions as though we are our actions or behaviors.

Shame is a natural, normal, mortal response when we recognize or choose to do something that is harmful or destructive. However, carrying shame (rather than awareness of it, checking it, and releasing it) is the great fuel that feeds our addictions and coping mechanisms. It is the great fuel to stuckness. It literally drives any addiction (and my belief is that at some point in our lives we all deal with addictions-something we habitually go to in order to cope, our addictions may include reactions & secondary emotions (depression, anger, etc.). Shame comes from a place of untruth, and when we carry it we are carrying something untrue about ourselves or another, because the truth is...we are not our behaviors (watch for an upcoming post on identity).

I was out hiking with a friend last week and we were discussing something that was distressful for her. Through exploration and processing, we got down to the deeper levels and found where the shame was being held. At the end of the conversation she said, "wow, that's a tough idea to get your head around. I feel like it could take some work and time to really understand that." and she was so right! We carry shame in ways we don't even realize. It has often become part of our constructs and the way we see ourselves and the world around us. I've realized in my own journey that shame is stripped off in layers. It takes time, work, awareness, and usually the help of someone else (at least it has in my life). I have people in my life that I can call when I become aware of a piece of shame that I don't know what to do with. I may cognitively know that shame comes from an untrue place, but often I don't know how to "feel" differently about it.

People are often carry shame with the thought that it will help motivate them, but this also is an untruth. Shame is NEVER motivating, it is paralyzing!! Healthy, true guilt and taking responsibility can be helpful, but the shame part, no, never helpful! This part of our mortal journey (finding and stripping away shame, while holding more truth about our identity) is one of the most difficult, as well as one of the most rewarding. Everytime we find and are able to release some degree of shame we are filled with greater truth and greater light.